12/16/08 – Chicago.
Yielding to pressure from conspiracy theorists, President-elect Barack Obama exposed his genitals to reporters yesterday at a press conference held to quash persistent rumors that he is, in fact, female. Previous assurances from Michelle Obama that he was “All man” had gone unheeded. While most in attendance agreed that the president-elect does indeed have a penis, the conspiracy theorists that had brought the charges were not convinced. “It’s obviously a prosthetic!” said conspiracy theorist and Fox News commentator Harold Crumm. Another theorist, Roger Johnson was likewise not convinced. “I was watching this on C-SPAN and all I saw was a blurry spot. This does nothing to convince me.”
Given the negative reaction by conspiracy theorists, an Obama spokesperson said today that the president-elect had canceled plans to show reporters his Birth Certificate, hospital records, social security card, and other documentation that the conspiracy theorists claimed would easily show him to be a natural born US citizen. Said the spokesperson, “We’ve been putting up with these baseless accusations for months. Most we’ve chalked up to crazy people, but President-elect Obama took strong offence to this new attack on his manhood. We were also going to take on the issue of his natural born US Citizenship, but if the word of public officials who legally have access to these documents isn’t good enough for them, there’s really no point in pursuing this further. As yesterday’s press conference proved, they’ll just say it’s a fake and continue to make wild accusations.”
I sat down with one conspiracy theorist this afternoon. “That’s not true at all. It would be very easy to dispel all these rumors. He just needs to show us his birth certificate and social security card and we would believe it,” said the man identified as Barack Obama Jr. after paying for our coffee with his credit card. “Why would he hesitate to show us this documentation? He obviously has something to hide!”
The Obama spokesperson responded, “After yesterday, I’d say no. No he doesn’t.”